Thanatomorphose 2013 Review

Thanatomorphose 2013 Review

Thanatomorphose Poster Image

Thanatomorphose is about a young woman who wakes up one day showing signs of decay. Thanatomorphose is a French word meaning the visible signs of an organism’s decomposition caused by death.

I really wanted to like Thanatomorphose as mentioned in my last review I am in the middle of writing a new article about underrated films. I made a list of 7 films, actually, it was more than 7. There were two movies I put on that list that I had not scene but have wanted to for a while now. Deadgirl and Thanatomorphose. I was positive I was going to enjoy both these movies. So positive that I added them to the article. I am still working on the article but I thought these two films would be perfect. So with the long weekend upon us I planned to spend my Friday night watching these two films so that I could complete my list this morning.

Instead of completing my new article, I have to write this review because I can’t keep Thanatomorphose on my list of underrated horror movies. This movie was so boring I kept pausing it thinking it had be near over and it never was. At one point, I was sure it had been like a half-hour since the last time I checked, it had only been 11 fucking minutes! So, I am here sipping my coffee writing this review instead of completing my article on underrated horror movies.

I don’t plan to completely shit on this movie. There are some good qualities. Mainly when it finally faded to black and the credits rolled. But, before I get into what was good about the movie, let me discuss why this movie failed. So many reasons, I don’t have time to discuss them all.

First, the acting wasn’t that good. It just wasn’t. Second, it was too dark. I don’t mean the content, I mean, it was just too dark to make shit out most of the time. I am sure there were some really good effects but they were lost in the low light and that is a true shame. Third, the story. At face value, this had everything going for it. What a fun, dark idea for a story. Sadly, there really wasn’t a story. It was mostly, all visual, little dialog and zero fucking explanation as to what the fuck was going on.

For example. There are a couple of times our main character Laura (Kayden Rose) actually refuses to go to the hospital. This makes no fucking sense at all. But, I can accept it, she’s depressed, feeling nothing and so on. That’s fine but a few times throughout the film, her guy friends stop by and see how fucking terrible she looks. They offer to take her to the hospital. She refuses, she seduces them, they leave. Being a guy. Being single. Always horny. I get it. But, there a came a time when it was just time to call 911. Seriously, if you’re holding on to woman’s head, wrapped in a bandage while she blows you and it starts to bleed, it’s time to call for help. You want to drop your load first, fine. But, then you call for an ambulance, stat!

Thanatomorphose No I'm Fine

Just got done having sex walks to the bathroom and passes out. Boyfriend be like, I’ll just put her back to bed and leave. I’m sure she’s fine.

Yet another example of poor story telling. At one point, out of nowhere, there was scene I don’t understand. As it happened, I thought, “Oh, shit, I get it!” Then, what I thought they were doing, wasn’t what they were doing. It appeared to me for like a second that maybe she was already dead and on the autopsy table living out the end in her mind. All that we had seen had just been a delusion. Nope! It was just a weird delusion she had while past out, continuing to decay and refusing to do fuck all about it.

At one point I started laughing. Thanatomorphose became in many ways like that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The scene where the Knight keeps lopping off parts of the guy guarding the bridge. Meanwhile the guard is shouting back, “It’s just a flesh wound!” This film was sadly, tedious and boring.

I wanted to like it but it literally was just a movie about a girl that for some unknown reason just started to decay. There was no other story. There was never an explanation. You are left sitting there for more than an hour and a half wondering if anything is every going to happen other than watching shit ooze from her body and fucking the two men her in her life. That’s it. And, none of it was interesting to watch. It was slow going. Even the fucking sex was boring.

Thanatomorphose She's Fine

Ok, she’s blowing me but her head is in bandage that’s bleeding on me. Do I call 911? Nah, I’ll finish then leave awkwardly.

Now, onto the good. Some of the special effects were well done. Mostly the bruising on Laura at the beginning. I thought those were really well done. The more serious her decay became, I felt it got a little too muddy. However, I think it was just the bad lighting that made the make up look more like they just covered her in ooze instead of doing a real makeup.

Kayden Rose’s acting at times was pretty good. At other times, it came across as awkward and forced. But, I have to give her credit. She is full frontal naked a lot. I mean, seriously. I frame-by-frammed it once because I thought, I saw something in a flash and I couldn’t believe she was really that naked, and yes she was. That takes an amazing level of commitment. Kayden Rose has so much potential. I can’t wait to see what she does next.

Also noteworthy. There are a few moments of male full frontal nudity in Thanatomorphose. That too takes commitment. It’s just that when compared to what Kayden Rose must have endured shooting this movie, it’s just doesn’t even compare.

One last note. The writer and director Éric Falardeau tried to do something interesting here. As much as I think this movie failed. I have to give him credit for the attempt. I would love to see this movie remade but with an effort to actually tell a story. There really wasn’t a story here. I think the goal was to let the decay just be the story. If that’s the case, it still failed. There had to be a reason why Laura just let it happen other than she was feeling void of feeling or depressed. If the audience is left to wonder what’s going and why the entire time they get bored. It’s nice to let the audience work for it a little but at some point, you have to show your cards and Éric Falardeau as the writer and director never of Thanatomorphose never does and that’s a real shame.

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Deadgirl 2008 A Not So Quick Review

Deadgirl 2008 A Not So Quick Review

Deadgirl 2008 Poster

The Deadgirl centers around two less than popular high school kids who find a girl chained to a bed in the basement of an abandoned mental hospital. They soon discover that she cannot die.

I didn’t hear about “Deadgirl” until a few years after its release. It sounded creepy and haunting. The person I know that had seen it said it was really good. One of the best horror movies he had seen in a long time. Yesterday I started to write an article for Bad Horror Movies titled, 7 Underrated Horror Movies You Need To See. I was so sure that I was going to like Deadgirl that I added it to the list. Doing so because I really thought it was going to turn out to be an underrated horror movie. One of the reasons I had put off watching Deadgirl was because over the years I had to come to learn that the person who recommended this movie to me is an asshole. However, I had seen this movie on a few lists of must see’s so I was hopeful.

This afternoon, I made a huge salad, fake crab, chicken it was spectacular. Seriously, I made the best salads. Anyways, I sat down in my recliner and hit play. I was so excited. Been waiting years for to watch this movie, it was going to be disgusting, offensive and it would make me think and question my very existence! Five minutes in, I was starting to feel like I had been duped. Thirty minutes in, it so disappointing, I wanted to turn it off. Thoughts of calling the person who recommended this turd to me and telling them that they have no taste in movies at all, flashed through my head.

Every expectation I had for Deadgirl was not met. Yet in order to explain I have to give away a spoiler, it’s not a huge spoiler because the tagline for the film was, “You Never Forget Your First Time.” So, if you haven’t figured it out yet, these kids find a girl. She cannot die. They keep her chained and rape her daily. There is no way it wasn’t rape. Their rationalizations were ridiculous. Please don’t think that I was like offended and that’s why I didn’t like Deadgirl. I wasn’t. It’s just that I didn’t buy what these kids were selling. Hell, under the right circumstances I would have hit it. The dead girl was fine, in a hot zombie girl kinda way.

This is the problem with Deadgirl. They tried to sell it as some sort of dead erotica with a “what would you do?” theme and it failed. The biggest reason it failed, is that you have to give a shit about at least one the protagonists. The two main kids, were fucking douchebags. One was a coward, the other was a rapist deviant that literally got off on treating the dead girl badly. From killing her multiple times or rather, attempting to raping her and humiliating her. The only fucking likeable person in Deadgirl, was the dead girl. Deadgirl should have been about the dead girl. She was the most fucking interesting character in this movie and yet, the story really didn’t have much use for her other than a prop some of the kids acted around.

Instead the writers seemed to have thought that this was some kind of look into what two high school rejects would do with a girl that couldn’t die. For that work, at all, you need to make at least one of the fuckers interesting, or at the very least, likeable. I just didn’t buy into Rickie’s character. He didn’t like the idea of his friend, JT (Noah Segan) raping the dead girl. Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) was supposed to be the likeable guy. Well, he was a fucking coward and an idiot. Nothing to like about him, at all.

There was a scene where Rickie gets his ass kicked by the boyfriend of the girl he likes. The ass kicker is “the jock” so of course, he’s also an asshole. If you’re gonna have a “jock” in a movie, he’s gotta be an asshole I guess. I think I was supposed to feel bad for Rickie when he was getting his ass kicked? I didn’t. Mainly I was torn between wondering which one of these dumbfucks I hate more.

For more than 90 minutes I sat through this terribly shallow pile of crap looking for a reason to like it and not finding one. This story had so much potential to be a true darkly erotic and horrifying tale. Instead its attempts at having any kind of death was just embarrassing. You know that really dumb friend you have? The one that every once a while has what they think is a really deep thought? And, you’re thinking to yourself, “Jesus dude, I like pondered that once when I was 9 for like a minute and moved on.” Everyone in this movie was like friend. Well, except for the dead girl and the dog. Both had more depth than all the other characters combined.

Who is going to like this movie? Shallow people that get off on rape. People that are just pretending to actually contemplate, “is it really rape if she’s dead?” So, for the shallow people. I’ll give this movie a slightly better rating than it deserves. I justify this simply for the actress, Jenny Spain who played the dead girl. She did manage to make being dead look hot. I thought she did a wonderful job with her character, with what limited time she had on the screen.

Oh and one last thing, the acting was fine here. I do not mean to take away from that. I thought for the most part all the acting was at least okay. The special effects were more than decent. It just really fails at the story level and even a bit at the direction. Just so many missed opportunities here.

One more last thing. Shallow people, this is for you. I am not dissing you. We all have are shallow moments. If you happened to like this movie and don’t consider yourself to be a shallow person. It’s possible you’re not. I would love to hear from you. Your reasoning’s for liking this turd would be fascinating to me. Maybe you could even get me to see this movie in a different light? And, if you like this movie, good. We all like different stuff and I am glad you found something you enjoyed. As for me personally, I just don’t see it. So who knows, maybe I’m the one being shallow?

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The Witch 2015 Quick Review

The Witch 2015 Quick Review

The Witch 2015 Poster | Bad Horror Movies

The Witch is about an New-England family that chooses to be become outcasts from their community and move out into the forest where they soon have to fight the forces of evil, black magic and possession.

I waited for months and months to see The Witch. I hadn’t heard a bad word about it. Of course I didn’t look at any actual reviews. If I really want to see something I don’t really care what the reviews say so I don’t seek them out. The time finally came for me to see it. I made sure I could watch it at night, alone, lights out. No interruptions except that of my popcorn and very full 52-ounce mug of ice water. I was ready to be scared. Scared like seeing the exorcist as child for the first time, scared. What I got instead was a level of disappointment I have not yet recovered from.

It’s been a month or two since I first saw The Witch. I wanted to give it time before I reviewed it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t overreact to it in my review and that I was able to treat it fairly. I am still not sure if I can do that. But, I will give it a try. There are many great things about the movie. The acting is superb. The location is creepy and cold. The costumes are so real looking. Everything about this movie feels authentic. It’s exactly what I pictured that time in American history to be like. They couldn’t have done a better job of capturing that existence in my opinion.

Here’s where it all goes to shit. First, it’s boring. Not just slow boring. It’s tedious boring. It’s dear God that I don’t believe in, please bring this suffering of mine to end, boring. The accent of the father is so fucking thick I couldn’t understand half of what he’s saying. It sounded like mumbles that soon just became laughable to me. Their religious fervor was driving me insane. I mean, these religious nutjobs were more than just that, they were literally cowards, afraid of their own shadows. Their blatant ignorance and obedience to a god that so obviously doesn’t give two shits about them was pathetic.

The father, was so afraid of his own shadow. I just couldn’t respect him after a while. I tried to, he was so supportive of his daughter at first that I was at least able to respect him for that until he let his faith in his imaginary friend over take his common sense. The mother was fucking bonkers as well. The two smaller kids were seriously creepy and I don’t think they were supposed to be. The only things not completely fucking annoying in The Witch were the two oldest kids and the fucking goat!

My daughter-in-law loved this movie. I just don’t get it. There was nothing scary about this it. It’s called The Witch and we see the witch once or twice. This isn’t a movie about a witch. It’s about a bat shit crazy religious family that is afraid of their own shadows. Fearful that every little thing they do is going to cause Jesus to punish them. The total time of the witch on film, I think is about 3 minutes. I am not joking. The only thing remotely creepy about this movie besides the setting and the two youngest children is the talking goat. And, we’re not even treated to that little tidbit until the end. And even then, we don’t really get see it. For all we know it’s just that character finally regressing into the insanity like everyone else.

I could spend all day shitting on this movie. It’s not scary, it’s barely interesting, and it’s so boring. If you haven’t see it and want to, I’ve got a link below to go get it. Please, let me know if you disagree with me and why. Let me know what about this movie scared you or entertained you. I love a good story, I love suspense and great acting but I felt no suspense, the acting was great but it was built around story that played out in the most boring ways possible, in my opinion. Let me know what about The Witch that made you think it, “Oh ya, now this is how horror movies should be.”

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The Levenger Tapes 2013 Quick Review

The Levenger Tapes 2013 Quick Review

The Levenger Tapes 2013 Poster | Bad Horror Movies

The Levenger Tapes centers around 3 college aged kids driving out to the middle of nowhere to stay at a cabin owned by one of their parents. We know this because detectives have found video tapes of the kids. They are forced to watch every minute of the tapes in the hopes of finding a kidnapped little girl and the remain two college students. The cops need answers. What happened to the kidnapped little girl. What happened to the other two college students. The longer they watch the more disturbing it becomes.

There’s much I enjoyed about The Levenger Tapes. The writing was not good. It’s like the writer decided, “I wonder if I could write a movie where every character does the stupidest things possible at every moment.” I was 37 minutes into The Levenger Tapes and I wanted so bad to stop it and watch something else. There are two reasons why I didn’t. The first being, Lili Mirojnick. She was just so cute and she played the part of the seemingly street smart, bored, sarcastic teen perfectly. The second reason being, was the off chance that all the characters suddenly smartened up and that the story would become interesting.

Yes, Lili Mironjnick’s character Kim, started off interesting but all too soon she was making stupid decisions and doing stupid things like everyone else. My only hope was that the story would at least become interesting. I have to admit towards the end it got interesting only in that you don’t know what’s going on? There’s either a ghost at work or there’s a kidnapper and suspected murderer on the loose. There’s also maybe tiny creatures doing the killing, anything seemed possible at one point or another in the movie but The Levenger Tapes doesn’t really dive into that. It would could have been a fun, scary time but when the characters constantly do the dumbest thing possible it’s hard to give a shit about them. There came points where I just wanted them to die because people that stupid in horror movies, don’t deserve to live.

Here’s an example of the stupidity. Chase, played by Morgan Krantz has a crush on one of Johanna Braddy’s character, Amanda. But, he’s basically, got to very hot girls at his parents cabin that are getting drunk and finally starting to loosen up. What does he do? He decides to head out into the darkness to track down the creepy guy and little girl camping about a mile or so from the cabin and apologize to him for an incident that happened earlier in the film. The girls beg him not to go, he does any ways. The girls end up going with him to track down this guy. They don’t want to go but for some reason stupid reason they decide to go with the guy. It was just unrealistic. That would have never happened in real life. And, at every chance along the way they had to turn back, they refused. The girls wanted to go back. But, nope they kept fallowing Chase. They didn’t even like the guy that much. He was a total idiot the entire time and they just keep following him.

Amanda was no brain surgeon either. She did things that even seemed to out stupid Chase. Like, hearing a screaming voice in the bushes that refuses to answer back to them. What does she feel compelled to do? Go in and check on it. “She could need our help!” Really? Kim is begging her not to go in there. Kim stands and waits. I would have been like, “Look I am heading back to the house. You are more then welcome to run into the dark bushes and look for the source of the ominous screams but I am gonna get the fuck out of her and find some help.”

If you like found footage movies, and characters doing stupid things, you will love The Levenger Tapes! If you’re a teen looking for a date night movie maybe give this a go. Just be warned, there’s no nudity, there’s almost no gore. There’s a handful of jump scares that might be worth your while but if you’re looking for something good, this just isn’t it. This is the very definition of a bad horror movie. And, it’s sad, The Levenger Tapes had so much potential. This movie could have been terrifying, suspenseful and truly scary. Instead it was just a frustrating look at some college kids that are just so tragically stupid I fear some of it could rub on those who watch them.

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The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh 2012 Quick Review

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh 2012 Quick Review

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh 2012 Poster | Bad Horror Movies

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh centers around a guy whose estranged mother has recently past and discovers that she had become involved with a crazy and creepy cult. Her house is filled with religious artifacts and symbols revolving around the cult. Soon he starts to wonder if maybe his mother’s spirit is still there.

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh sadly was every bit as disappointing as I predicted. As mentioned in recent posts I had scheduled a couple nights to have a mini horror-a-thon. This was watched on the second night and I couldn’t wait for this movie to end.  It was so slow. Almost nothing happens. Long drawn out shots that lead to nothing and a story that pretty much does the same thing. I kept watching, waiting for something to happen and by the time there’s finally a little bit of action I have already lost interest in the main character.

The acting is fine however it’s pretty much just a one man show because Aaron Poole as Leon Leigh, the son of Rosalind, is pretty much the only person in the movie. There’s the occasional narration by Vanessa Redgrave and she has a wonderful voice but it becomes so drawn out that it too becomes boring. We see some actors on the video tape he watches for a moment. We see some other actors that come to the door but it’s very brief. He does spend a lot of time on the phone with his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend? I don’t know. But, even she was bored and couldn’t wait to get off the phone with him. Everything about this movie is dull and becomes uninteresting.

What I found the most disappointing is that The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh had so much potential. We learn almost nothing about this cult. There’s a whole creature from the woods that starts to terrorize or main characters for a while but that’s it. That was interesting and creepy and yet it goes nowhere. Hell there’s the ghost of his mother that’s also terribly interesting and yet we are forced spend our time watching Leon Leigh mope around the house and pout and stress out to his therapist ex about the weird shit going on in this fucking oddly decorated and moderately creepy house. And, even she was more interesting than his character. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh pretty much ignores anything remotely interesting. It tries to be moody and atmospheric but it’s just sadly dull and tiresome film.

 

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Devil’s Tower 2014 Quick Review

Devil’s Tower 2014 Quick Review

Devil’s Tower 2014 Quick Review…

Devil’s Tower is a story about an abused teen who moves into an old apartment complex only to find that some of the inhabitants have gone missing and a vengeful, zombie creating ghost is responsible.

Look, I’m not going to say this movie is horrible. It’s pretty much what you expect from any film that stars Jason Mewes that isn’t directed by Kevin Smith. His acting is not good in this. Once you get past that, his character is likeable and at times humorous in the shallowest of ways. Roxanne Pallett however is a breath of fresh air in this otherwise boring film.

Devil’s Tower is pretty much a snoozefest until the last 15 minutes. I almost stopped watching at a couple of points. First, the opening credits. It seemed like they went on for hours. I don’t mind getting the main credits in first but in this case they just seemed to go on and on. Ain’t nobody got time for that! The second thing, was something the talented and beautiful Roxanne Pallett’s character Sarah did. In order to understand her characters stupidity in this scene I need to set the stage a bit. She lives in a shitty area, in a shitty building and never seems to lock her door. She doesn’t lock her door when she first moves in and a Kate, her neighbor just walks on in. Another time, Sarah comes home to discover intruders. For the near final straw came not five minutes after that she leaves her door open again! I mean for fuck sakes woman! How am I supposed to care about someone that goddamn stupid? I will tell you how, because the makers of the film know that the only people watching this movie are going to be stoned or they’re going to be fat and lonely bastards like myself that are going to continue to watch, just because no matter how stupid Sarah was, Roxanne Pallett is too cute and sooner or later someone is going to show their boobs. It’s sad but true.

Devil's Tower's Cast | Jason Mewes, Roxanne Pallett, Jessica-Jane Stafford's wonderful butt and Emma Buckley

Devil’s Tower’s Cast | Jason Mewes, Roxanne Pallett, Jessica-Jane Stafford’s wonderful butt and Emma Buckley

So yes, Devils Tower is in fact a bad horror movie. Who would enjoys this movie? People that are stoned. As for the lonely pervs such as my self, not so much. But, let’s say you have things to do like catch up on social media or do some reading, keep the movie on and look up when you hear screaming or moaning.

 

Cast of Characters:
Jason Mewes as Sid
Roxanne Pallett as Sarah MacColl
Frances Ruffelle as Kim
Jessica Jane Clement as Kate
Jessica Ann Bonner as Beverly
Holly Henderson
Eddie Webber as Carnacki
Emma Buckley as Lucy