Deadgirl 2008 A Not So Quick Review

Deadgirl 2008 A Not So Quick Review

Deadgirl 2008 Poster

The Deadgirl centers around two less than popular high school kids who find a girl chained to a bed in the basement of an abandoned mental hospital. They soon discover that she cannot die.

I didn’t hear about “Deadgirl” until a few years after its release. It sounded creepy and haunting. The person I know that had seen it said it was really good. One of the best horror movies he had seen in a long time. Yesterday I started to write an article for Bad Horror Movies titled, 7 Underrated Horror Movies You Need To See. I was so sure that I was going to like Deadgirl that I added it to the list. Doing so because I really thought it was going to turn out to be an underrated horror movie. One of the reasons I had put off watching Deadgirl was because over the years I had to come to learn that the person who recommended this movie to me is an asshole. However, I had seen this movie on a few lists of must see’s so I was hopeful.

This afternoon, I made a huge salad, fake crab, chicken it was spectacular. Seriously, I made the best salads. Anyways, I sat down in my recliner and hit play. I was so excited. Been waiting years for to watch this movie, it was going to be disgusting, offensive and it would make me think and question my very existence! Five minutes in, I was starting to feel like I had been duped. Thirty minutes in, it so disappointing, I wanted to turn it off. Thoughts of calling the person who recommended this turd to me and telling them that they have no taste in movies at all, flashed through my head.

Every expectation I had for Deadgirl was not met. Yet in order to explain I have to give away a spoiler, it’s not a huge spoiler because the tagline for the film was, “You Never Forget Your First Time.” So, if you haven’t figured it out yet, these kids find a girl. She cannot die. They keep her chained and rape her daily. There is no way it wasn’t rape. Their rationalizations were ridiculous. Please don’t think that I was like offended and that’s why I didn’t like Deadgirl. I wasn’t. It’s just that I didn’t buy what these kids were selling. Hell, under the right circumstances I would have hit it. The dead girl was fine, in a hot zombie girl kinda way.

This is the problem with Deadgirl. They tried to sell it as some sort of dead erotica with a “what would you do?” theme and it failed. The biggest reason it failed, is that you have to give a shit about at least one the protagonists. The two main kids, were fucking douchebags. One was a coward, the other was a rapist deviant that literally got off on treating the dead girl badly. From killing her multiple times or rather, attempting to raping her and humiliating her. The only fucking likeable person in Deadgirl, was the dead girl. Deadgirl should have been about the dead girl. She was the most fucking interesting character in this movie and yet, the story really didn’t have much use for her other than a prop some of the kids acted around.

Instead the writers seemed to have thought that this was some kind of look into what two high school rejects would do with a girl that couldn’t die. For that work, at all, you need to make at least one of the fuckers interesting, or at the very least, likeable. I just didn’t buy into Rickie’s character. He didn’t like the idea of his friend, JT (Noah Segan) raping the dead girl. Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) was supposed to be the likeable guy. Well, he was a fucking coward and an idiot. Nothing to like about him, at all.

There was a scene where Rickie gets his ass kicked by the boyfriend of the girl he likes. The ass kicker is “the jock” so of course, he’s also an asshole. If you’re gonna have a “jock” in a movie, he’s gotta be an asshole I guess. I think I was supposed to feel bad for Rickie when he was getting his ass kicked? I didn’t. Mainly I was torn between wondering which one of these dumbfucks I hate more.

For more than 90 minutes I sat through this terribly shallow pile of crap looking for a reason to like it and not finding one. This story had so much potential to be a true darkly erotic and horrifying tale. Instead its attempts at having any kind of death was just embarrassing. You know that really dumb friend you have? The one that every once a while has what they think is a really deep thought? And, you’re thinking to yourself, “Jesus dude, I like pondered that once when I was 9 for like a minute and moved on.” Everyone in this movie was like friend. Well, except for the dead girl and the dog. Both had more depth than all the other characters combined.

Who is going to like this movie? Shallow people that get off on rape. People that are just pretending to actually contemplate, “is it really rape if she’s dead?” So, for the shallow people. I’ll give this movie a slightly better rating than it deserves. I justify this simply for the actress, Jenny Spain who played the dead girl. She did manage to make being dead look hot. I thought she did a wonderful job with her character, with what limited time she had on the screen.

Oh and one last thing, the acting was fine here. I do not mean to take away from that. I thought for the most part all the acting was at least okay. The special effects were more than decent. It just really fails at the story level and even a bit at the direction. Just so many missed opportunities here.

One more last thing. Shallow people, this is for you. I am not dissing you. We all have are shallow moments. If you happened to like this movie and don’t consider yourself to be a shallow person. It’s possible you’re not. I would love to hear from you. Your reasoning’s for liking this turd would be fascinating to me. Maybe you could even get me to see this movie in a different light? And, if you like this movie, good. We all like different stuff and I am glad you found something you enjoyed. As for me personally, I just don’t see it. So who knows, maybe I’m the one being shallow?

Watch the Trailer

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The Witch 2015 Quick Review

The Witch 2015 Quick Review

The Witch 2015 Poster | Bad Horror Movies

The Witch is about an New-England family that chooses to be become outcasts from their community and move out into the forest where they soon have to fight the forces of evil, black magic and possession.

I waited for months and months to see The Witch. I hadn’t heard a bad word about it. Of course I didn’t look at any actual reviews. If I really want to see something I don’t really care what the reviews say so I don’t seek them out. The time finally came for me to see it. I made sure I could watch it at night, alone, lights out. No interruptions except that of my popcorn and very full 52-ounce mug of ice water. I was ready to be scared. Scared like seeing the exorcist as child for the first time, scared. What I got instead was a level of disappointment I have not yet recovered from.

It’s been a month or two since I first saw The Witch. I wanted to give it time before I reviewed it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t overreact to it in my review and that I was able to treat it fairly. I am still not sure if I can do that. But, I will give it a try. There are many great things about the movie. The acting is superb. The location is creepy and cold. The costumes are so real looking. Everything about this movie feels authentic. It’s exactly what I pictured that time in American history to be like. They couldn’t have done a better job of capturing that existence in my opinion.

Here’s where it all goes to shit. First, it’s boring. Not just slow boring. It’s tedious boring. It’s dear God that I don’t believe in, please bring this suffering of mine to end, boring. The accent of the father is so fucking thick I couldn’t understand half of what he’s saying. It sounded like mumbles that soon just became laughable to me. Their religious fervor was driving me insane. I mean, these religious nutjobs were more than just that, they were literally cowards, afraid of their own shadows. Their blatant ignorance and obedience to a god that so obviously doesn’t give two shits about them was pathetic.

The father, was so afraid of his own shadow. I just couldn’t respect him after a while. I tried to, he was so supportive of his daughter at first that I was at least able to respect him for that until he let his faith in his imaginary friend over take his common sense. The mother was fucking bonkers as well. The two smaller kids were seriously creepy and I don’t think they were supposed to be. The only things not completely fucking annoying in The Witch were the two oldest kids and the fucking goat!

My daughter-in-law loved this movie. I just don’t get it. There was nothing scary about this it. It’s called The Witch and we see the witch once or twice. This isn’t a movie about a witch. It’s about a bat shit crazy religious family that is afraid of their own shadows. Fearful that every little thing they do is going to cause Jesus to punish them. The total time of the witch on film, I think is about 3 minutes. I am not joking. The only thing remotely creepy about this movie besides the setting and the two youngest children is the talking goat. And, we’re not even treated to that little tidbit until the end. And even then, we don’t really get see it. For all we know it’s just that character finally regressing into the insanity like everyone else.

I could spend all day shitting on this movie. It’s not scary, it’s barely interesting, and it’s so boring. If you haven’t see it and want to, I’ve got a link below to go get it. Please, let me know if you disagree with me and why. Let me know what about this movie scared you or entertained you. I love a good story, I love suspense and great acting but I felt no suspense, the acting was great but it was built around story that played out in the most boring ways possible, in my opinion. Let me know what about The Witch that made you think it, “Oh ya, now this is how horror movies should be.”

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At the Devil’s Door 2014!

At the Devil’s Door 2014!

At the Devil’s Door 2014…

At the Devil's Door 2014At the Devil’s Door is about three hot women that never get naked or have sex.  The end.  Okay, just kidding.  This isn’t the end, but the first part is sadly true.

I made two notes while watching this film.  The first one has to do with the things the transitions from past to present.  The film jumps back and forth a couple of times.  The problem is that the jumps back are fairly obvious.  However, there’s no obvious jump forward.  So things are going and I am thinking this is something that previously happened.  Only to realize I am back in present day and no one told me.  It was a little frustrating but I could overlook that.

The second note came about 28 minutes into the film.  One of characters is at home and the lights go off.  She hears things, she walks around the house checking things out in the dark for a bit but eventually uses her cell phone for some added light.  Okay, I can accept that.  But, then she sees that her front door is now open.  Okay, she closes it.  There’s a storm out, maybe the wind blew it open?  That could happen.  Except for the noises she was hearing.  The powers out, strange noises, front door suddenly open.  A smart person would would go to the neighbors house and call the police.  Or, close the door and deadbolt it shut!  What does she do?  She closes the door and uses latches one of those cheep old door chain that no one has seen seen since the 70’s.  Really?

At the Devil's Door 2014 Ashley Rickards

I know I play a ghost, demon teen but you still think I’m hot. Don’t you. DON’T YOU!

Then there’s this mirror, wtf is going on with this mirror in the movie.  Was there a part in the movie I missed where this is a mirror ghost?  Nope, it’s just a mirror that for some the ghost or demon decides to keep covering?  Why?  It’s demon, is it afraid of it’s looks?  Why was it always hiding?  Pretty cowardly demon.

The film did have a good tone to it.  It was interesting but there was some stupid things the characters did that just made me not like this movie.  One of the more stupid was towards the end.  One of characters plans to do something so stupid.  Granted, I understand her motivation.  But, what she’s planning on doing is so serious and she thinks she can do this stupid thing and just get away with it?  We see no planning, nothing.  And, then for no reason, her mind is changed and we have no idea why.  We can guess, but this is a movie, I don’t want to guess.  If I wanted to guess, I would have not bothered to watch it and just guesses at the film fucking ended.

You’ve been warned.  Not even the hotness of the three main ladies in this film can save it.

Cast of Characters:
Catalina Sandino Moreno … Leigh
Naya Rivera … Vera
Ashley Rickards … Hannah
Mark Steger … Thin Man

7500 2014

7500 2014

7500 2014…

7500 20147500 2014 “Flight 7500 departs Los Angeles International Airport bound for Tokyo. As the overnight flight makes its way over the Pacific Ocean during its ten-hour course, the passengers encounter what appears to be a supernatural force in the cabin.”

I saw this movie about a year ago.  I had been hearing about it for a couple of years.  When it finally got released in Europe that was my chance to grab a copy.  Now I know why it hasn’t been released in the US yet.  It’s because 7500 is horrible.  I honestly can’t get into details as I remember so littl from it and I watched it twice.  Once alone, late at night (the best time and way to watch horror movies) and then again with a family member.  I didn’t tell them what I thought of the film because I wanted their honest opinion.  They pretty much wanted to stop watching at about the same time had when I first watched it.  So I have seen it seen it twice and I can’t get into specifics because I think my brain is literally trying to protect me from all the suck that is 7500.

I am pretty easy going with horror films.  I accept that people have to do kinda stupid things in them or else no one will die and then it wouldn’t be a horror movie.  But, there comes a point when characters do things so stupid that it takes you out of the movie.  There were a few times this happened in 7500 and after that I just became bored waiting for it to finally end.

The film has an impressive cast, Amy Smart, Leslie Bibb, Jamie Chung and Ryan Kwanten to name a few.  But, most of them, seem as if they know this movies sucks and they are just there for a payday and nothing else.  A very talented director, Takashi Shimizu, who directed the Ju-on series and the first two The Grudge films proves once again that a good cast and good director can’t turn a bad script into a good movie.

7500 2014 What's Down There

“What do you think is down there?” “Our careers if this ever gets released in the U.S.”

I am not saying this movie is horrible.  It sucks, that’s for sure but it’s not the worst movie you’re ever going to see, it’s atmospheric.  That’s a good word for it.  If you can ignore all the stupid things the characters do it’s possible one could enjoy this.  I was reading a few reviews online before I wrote this and most of them I saw were somewhat favorable.   Personally, I would skip this one.  There’s just not much to like here and there are really so many good horror movies out there you could watch instead.

Cast Of Characters:
Ryan Kwanten … Brad Martin
Amy Smart … Pia Martin
Leslie Bibb … Laura Baxter
Jamie Chung … Suzy Lee
Scout Taylor-Compton … Jacinta Bloch
Nicky Whelan … Liz Lewis
Jerry Ferrara … Rick
Christian Serratos … Raquel Mendoza
Alex Frost … Jake
Rick Kelly … Lance Morrell
Johnathon Schaech … Captain Haining
Ben Sharples … Jack Hafey

Deliver Us from Evil 2014

Deliver Us from Evil 2014

Deliver Us from Evil…

Deliver Us from Evil 2014I don’t know where to begin with all the suck that is Deliver Us from Evil.  I had such high hopes for this.  I know that it was based on “true” story.  It had me wondering from the previews how a real life NYPD cop could be hunting demons at work.  I am not sure what I expected, I don’t believe in any of the stuff this guy believes in but I love a good religious story.  This however, wasn’t one.  Basically what I think happened here is a studio executive somewhere must have said, “Hey we got this nutbag former cop that claims he hunts demons.  We have got to exploit the shit outta this!”  It’s the only explanation for such a ridiculous story.

I really do love a good scary religious type story.  Loved the Exorcist.  I even think most of the recent possession films that most reviewers have slammed weren’t that bad.  But, this movie is so bad, it hurts.  And, that is a shame.  It has such a great cast but I couldn’t get past the fact this is supposed to be a true story and it was just so damn ridiculous.   Tt scared me to think that there was once a cop on the streets that damn crazy.

The movie is about New York police officer Ralph Sarchie.  While investigating some crimes he begins to believe that they are all connected and something Biblically evil is responsible for it all. The stuff that goes on is just so ridiculous it’s laughable at points.  I wanted to like this movie.  I really, really did but I just couldn’t get past the fact that there is no way that any of this ever really happened.  Nothing like it ever really happened.  If just half of what this ex-cop said was true it would have made world wide news.  So, my guess is that this guy is either a con man trying to make a buck, he’s really gullible or he’s really stupid.

Deliver Us From This Movie

Deliver Us From This Movie

Now that I have shit all over this movie.   I will point out the good parts.  The acting is really good despite the ridiculous things these poor actors had to pretend happened with a straight face.  It was well directed.  The special effects are top notch.  It had some creepy parts to it. But, the best part of the entire movie was the ending.  Well, that and the very few scenes with Olivia Munn in them.  One can never have too much Olivia Munn.

For all the good the film has to offer, there just wasn’t enough of it to carry the story in my opinion.  The story seemed jumbled and the cops leap from, there has to be a logical explanation to all of this to, it’s a demon, happens too fast for me.  I kept thinking, “Some of these characters have some serious psychological disorders going on.  From PTSD to cutting disorders and schizophrenia these people are suffering some seriously mental delusions and far too soon this cop just makes it all worse by falling for the hysteria.

If you’re really gullible and border on idiotic you will probably really, really like this movie.  If you’re just looking for something that has some creepy parts in it to watch on a dark night when you’re home alone, maybe you will enjoy the movie more than I did.  It’s just that I don’t personally know of anyone with any brains that loved this movie.  I had some of my religious friends watch this film because I wanted the perspective from some good people that are religious.  The best I got from them was a very unmotivated, “It was okay.”  This movie in my opinion is a total skip.  It won’t kill you to watch it.  It just comes off as more of propaganda type movie that’s promoting a religious agenda than a good supernatural horror kinda film.

Cast Of Characters:
Eric Bana    …     Sarchie
Edgar Ramirez    …     Mendoza
Olivia Munn    …     Jen
Chris Coy    …     Jimmy
Dorian Missick    …     Gordon
Sean Harris    …     Santino
Joel McHale    …     Butler