When 3 college kids take a summer job its a chance of a lifetime to bartend at a bar in the middle of a lake! The bar has been around for over a hundred years and is presumed by many locals to be haunted, after the owner killed himself many years before. Unfortunately they miss the last boat off the island and are stuck trying to find a way off. As darkness falls, they quickly realize things are very different after hours as they are hunted by the paranormal caretaker.
– Written by Fillipe Marabiza
Just when you think it’s safe to watch a movie with Lance Henriksen in it. This movie is such a disappointment. It’s rated R and for what I have no idea? Maybe it’s because Ben Elliott’s character Jerry is such an amazing douche that the MPAA calls for an R rating in the hopes that small children will not be effected. Lance Henriksen gives his usual performance. But, he’s not in the movie long enough to help it.
There’s no reason to care about any of the characters in this movie. And, Ben Elliot’s character Jerry is so stupid, it hurts. There is nothing lovable about his character. He’s stupid, he’s not funny, his inconsiderate, shallow and the list goes on. He does somewhat redeem himself at the end of the movie. But to be honest, it’s too late. By this point in the film, if you’re still watching, you’re either a critic like me that feels obligated to sit through every un-thrilling and boring minute. Or, you’re a masochist.
Our brave characters head out in the morning to the island bar. Just a short jaunt across the lake that for some reason takes all day as it’s night when they arrive. That could happen.
It just wasn’t scary. I think that’s what it all comes down to. This kind movie teases with sex but doesn’t pay off with it. It teases with a ghost story and doesn’t pay off at all with the ghost. There’s no mystery. We know why the ghost is haunting this tiny bar and it’s stupid. I mean, apparently he is just haunting the bar because he’s a douchebag. Nothing pays off in this film.
For example, our main character “Mike” is a college student who has taken a job as a bartender on the island. Mike, played by Randy Wayne is doing his thesis on the paranormal hoaxes. He is the typical, shallow, thinks he knows everything, business student. This is expressed in a scene with our heroine “Ivy” played by the beautiful Briana Evigan. She is one of the island bar’s, bartenders. She’s happy with her job but Mike, comes off as obnoxious when explaining that he wants more, he wants a real job. He sees that his comments offends her and seems to care that he has done so. He tries to correct himself but only continues to bury himself further.
The scene was just written badly as it was hard to tell if we’re supposed to conclude that he’s sensitive and just said something badly and she’s overreacting or that he just doesn’t get it and is being a douche. Maybe it was supposed to be both? But, the simple facts remains that this is ghost story. I spent way too much time wondering if that scene was just bad writing or what instead of being led gleefully to the next scare.
The story itself just doesn’t make any sense. This ghost, supposedly the ghost of the guy who used to own the bar. He killed himself after losing the bar in a poker game. I don’t understand why he’s haunting the bar. However, he’s a ghost, I accept it. What I don’t get is that for some reason he only gives a shit about scaring and killing people after the bar closes. So he’s all about the party, but you don’t leave by closing and he kills you? Why? What kinda stupid ghost rule is that?
I almost forgot, the ghost is also very aquatic. He loves to pull you under. Ghost can do anything, in case you didn’t know, they are not bound to the laws of physics like you and I.
The movie tries to show some character growth and I applaud it for that. But, it just failed in it’s attempt to properly show it. Lacking any character growth, only teasing sex, not a single scare, and Jerry the douche’s constant idiocy, the movie was just frustratingly bad. It truly was a bad horror movie.
I think the film makers and even the writer have great potential to do some good work in the future. As for this movie, it just doesn’t work anyway you look at it.
Cast of Characters:
Brian Christensen … Shorty
Ben Elliott … Jerry
Briana Evigan … Ivy
Joe Farina … Officer Becker
Patrick Giraudi … Caretaker (voice)
Lance Henriksen … Carl
Eddie J. Fernandez Jr. … Bartender
Sarah Karges … Lori
Ashley Lobo … Sheila
Ben Marten … Scott
Steve Rally … Ghost Dad
Tony Valle … Andy
Quincy Villanueva … Bar Patron
Randy Wayne … Mike
Coffin Baby 2013…
Coffin Baby (aka Coffin Baby – The Toolbox Killer Is Back) is a 2013 American horror film written and directed by Dean C. Jones and starring Bruce Dern, Brian Krause, Clifton Powell, and Ethan Phillips. It has been represented as a sequel to 2004’s Toolbox Murders, but is not. The majority of the footage in the film was shot for Toolbox Murders 2, the sequel to the 2004 film in which the eponymous toolbox killer, Coffin Baby, resumes his gruesome killing spree from the first film. Actor Christopher Doyle reprises his 2004 role as Coffin Baby. However, distribution of Coffin Baby has been stopped by agreement between Dean Jones and the producers of Toolbox Murders 2.
I have a confession to make. I saw the Toolbox Murders when it first came out on DVD. Thought it was okay. I only recall the very basics about it because Juliet Landau was in it and any self respecting Buffy fan knows who she is. At the time I started watching Coffin Baby last night, I had no idea it was intended to be a sequel to anything and I had no recollection that the TBK in the first film was named Coffin Baby. I mean, the name of the first movie was, Toolbox Killer why in the hell would he have two names? So, I can honestly say that my review of Coffin Baby is not based on the merits or lack there of the first film. I will suggest that if you’re going to find Coffin Baby maybe watching The Toolbox Murders from 2004 first will somehow make Coffin Baby a better film.
Coffin Baby is gory. The special effects aren’t amazing or ground breaking but they will be good enough to make the average person squirm a little. The acting isn’t great but I think that has more to do with the director using bad takes. I am sure the film had a tight budget and it was a shoot and go set. So, it’s understandable. What bothered me were the, poor character decisions, stereo typical police detectives and Bruce Dern’s character.
Our heroine Samantha Forester played decently by Chauntal Lewis did some some really stupid things. The main mistake was that after being asked by one of the detectives to go with an officer to the station, she decides, while being driven to the station, that she just has to be taken to the crime scene instead. Of course the idiot cop driving her gives in to her whines and says okay. Had she just shut the hell up and done what they nice detective asked, none of this would have happened. Such as life. Let that be a lesson kids, just do what the cop says and chances are you will live to see another day.
Another stand out and yet another horrible cliche is always assuming the killer is actually dead after you think that you killed him. How many times do we see our film hero stab, shoot, or beat to death the killer only to have the killer come back to life while our hero is standing near by contemplating the tragic events. Well, this movie is no different.
Then there was Bruce Dern’s characters. A religious nutjob who would rather stand and pray than run away. His character was a true hypocrite. Telling others they need to take the righteous path and then when faced that choice himself, he fails miserably. I don’t even think that was intentional by the film makers, I think it was just bad writing. This guy asks someone to risk their life to go find this creepy little girl and like an idiot the person does. Later the two of them are together looking for the creepy girl, they find her but the killer comes around the corner and the first fucking person to say we have to get out of here and starts running away, leaving the little girl, is Dern’s characters. It was hypocrisy unnoticed. It wasn’t acknowledged in the film therefore I am positive the writer didn’t even get what he did.
One thing I want to mention is Chauntal Lewis as Samantha Forester again. Her performance her isn’t bad. As I said, I think there just wasn’t time for a lot of takes in the budget. That being said, her descent into crazy town I thought was pretty good. My problems lie with the writing. She’s going to crazy town in a hurry, arrives and then all of sudden without reason, she’s back in action and not acting crazy anymore. One scene she’s having a conversation with her decapitated boyfriend, kissing him and shortly there after she’s plotting her escape and acting completely sane. Just not very well written but that shouldn’t be taken out on the work done by Chauntal Lewis. She made the very best of weak script in my opinion
Giving Head. You’re doing it wrong.
If you’re looking for some gore, some torture and what could have been a really interesting story with a little better writing than get this movie! And, if you’re a stoner, I can only imagine the fun you will have watching this movie if you are in fact stoned. But, if you’re looking for an intelligently written movie that doesn’t insult your intelligence, this movie will just frustrate you all the way through it. But, then again, if you’re are looking for an intelligent horror movie, why would you be watching something called “Coffin Baby”.
Cast of Characters:
Bruce Dern as Vance Henrickson
Brian Krause as Detective Chad Cole
Clifton Powell as Detective S. Jackson
Chauntal Lewis as Samantha Forester
Christopher Doyle as Coffin Baby
Ethan Phillips as Coroner B. Jones
Ron Chaney as Detective L. Wehage
Isabelle Freitheim as Sabrina Forester
Allison Kyler as Amy Weinstein
Whitney Anderson as Winter Jones
Dean Jones as H. Bogart
Mychal Thompson as Rodney W. Smith
Douglas Tait as CB double