Thanatomorphose 2013 Review
Thanatomorphose is about a young woman who wakes up one day showing signs of decay. Thanatomorphose is a French word meaning the visible signs of an organism’s decomposition caused by death.
I really wanted to like Thanatomorphose as mentioned in my last review I am in the middle of writing a new article about underrated films. I made a list of 7 films, actually, it was more than 7. There were two movies I put on that list that I had not scene but have wanted to for a while now. Deadgirl and Thanatomorphose. I was positive I was going to enjoy both these movies. So positive that I added them to the article. I am still working on the article but I thought these two films would be perfect. So with the long weekend upon us I planned to spend my Friday night watching these two films so that I could complete my list this morning.
Instead of completing my new article, I have to write this review because I can’t keep Thanatomorphose on my list of underrated horror movies. This movie was so boring I kept pausing it thinking it had be near over and it never was. At one point, I was sure it had been like a half-hour since the last time I checked, it had only been 11 fucking minutes! So, I am here sipping my coffee writing this review instead of completing my article on underrated horror movies.
I don’t plan to completely shit on this movie. There are some good qualities. Mainly when it finally faded to black and the credits rolled. But, before I get into what was good about the movie, let me discuss why this movie failed. So many reasons, I don’t have time to discuss them all.
First, the acting wasn’t that good. It just wasn’t. Second, it was too dark. I don’t mean the content, I mean, it was just too dark to make shit out most of the time. I am sure there were some really good effects but they were lost in the low light and that is a true shame. Third, the story. At face value, this had everything going for it. What a fun, dark idea for a story. Sadly, there really wasn’t a story. It was mostly, all visual, little dialog and zero fucking explanation as to what the fuck was going on.
For example. There are a couple of times our main character Laura (Kayden Rose) actually refuses to go to the hospital. This makes no fucking sense at all. But, I can accept it, she’s depressed, feeling nothing and so on. That’s fine but a few times throughout the film, her guy friends stop by and see how fucking terrible she looks. They offer to take her to the hospital. She refuses, she seduces them, they leave. Being a guy. Being single. Always horny. I get it. But, there a came a time when it was just time to call 911. Seriously, if you’re holding on to woman’s head, wrapped in a bandage while she blows you and it starts to bleed, it’s time to call for help. You want to drop your load first, fine. But, then you call for an ambulance, stat!
Just got done having sex walks to the bathroom and passes out. Boyfriend be like, I’ll just put her back to bed and leave. I’m sure she’s fine.
Yet another example of poor story telling. At one point, out of nowhere, there was scene I don’t understand. As it happened, I thought, “Oh, shit, I get it!” Then, what I thought they were doing, wasn’t what they were doing. It appeared to me for like a second that maybe she was already dead and on the autopsy table living out the end in her mind. All that we had seen had just been a delusion. Nope! It was just a weird delusion she had while past out, continuing to decay and refusing to do fuck all about it.
At one point I started laughing. Thanatomorphose became in many ways like that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The scene where the Knight keeps lopping off parts of the guy guarding the bridge. Meanwhile the guard is shouting back, “It’s just a flesh wound!” This film was sadly, tedious and boring.
I wanted to like it but it literally was just a movie about a girl that for some unknown reason just started to decay. There was no other story. There was never an explanation. You are left sitting there for more than an hour and a half wondering if anything is every going to happen other than watching shit ooze from her body and fucking the two men her in her life. That’s it. And, none of it was interesting to watch. It was slow going. Even the fucking sex was boring.
Ok, she’s blowing me but her head is in bandage that’s bleeding on me. Do I call 911? Nah, I’ll finish then leave awkwardly.
Now, onto the good. Some of the special effects were well done. Mostly the bruising on Laura at the beginning. I thought those were really well done. The more serious her decay became, I felt it got a little too muddy. However, I think it was just the bad lighting that made the make up look more like they just covered her in ooze instead of doing a real makeup.
Kayden Rose’s acting at times was pretty good. At other times, it came across as awkward and forced. But, I have to give her credit. She is full frontal naked a lot. I mean, seriously. I frame-by-frammed it once because I thought, I saw something in a flash and I couldn’t believe she was really that naked, and yes she was. That takes an amazing level of commitment. Kayden Rose has so much potential. I can’t wait to see what she does next.
Also noteworthy. There are a few moments of male full frontal nudity in Thanatomorphose. That too takes commitment. It’s just that when compared to what Kayden Rose must have endured shooting this movie, it’s just doesn’t even compare.
One last note. The writer and director Éric Falardeau tried to do something interesting here. As much as I think this movie failed. I have to give him credit for the attempt. I would love to see this movie remade but with an effort to actually tell a story. There really wasn’t a story here. I think the goal was to let the decay just be the story. If that’s the case, it still failed. There had to be a reason why Laura just let it happen other than she was feeling void of feeling or depressed. If the audience is left to wonder what’s going and why the entire time they get bored. It’s nice to let the audience work for it a little but at some point, you have to show your cards and Éric Falardeau as the writer and director never of Thanatomorphose never does and that’s a real shame.
“Janet (Erin McGrane) and her children are on the way to the airport to pick up their father (Aaron Laue) when they are forced to take shelter from a tornado that is ravaging the area. They manage to find a storm shelter outside of a seemingly abandoned house, only for the group to become trapped by a fallen tree that prevents them from leaving the storm shelter. Things are made worse when they discover that they’re not alone in the house or storm shelter and the group is attacked by a monstrous creature.” – Wikipedia
I watched Nailbiter last week. I got busy with other things shortly after watching it and wasn’t able to write a review on it until now. Well, that’s not completely true. I could have written review before now but to be honest, I had completely forgotten the name of the movie or even what in the hell it was about it. This meant that I would have to take the time go through my DVD’s or online accounts like Netflix and so on in the hopes that I could recall the movie and I just didn’t have the time to waste doing that, until now.
Well, I found the movie and started to watch it again. I decided to let it play in the background as I write this review. My thinking was that it would help remind me what it was about it. In a way, it did. The very beginning reminded of everything about this movie.
So let’s start with the beginning of this horror movie. After the logos of every production company that touched this film play out it fades to black and we are hit with that annoying Emergency Broadcast tone. No picture, just a black screen and that sound. It goes on for several seconds. It was long enough that I started to wonder if somehow my TV paused the movie just so that I could hear this emergency broadcast. I literally, hit pause on the movie to double check that it was the movie and not some weird shit going on with my relatively new Vizio TV. For a split second my thoughts weren’t of the movie, it was more like, “Do they have to play this test 5 times a day now?” But, nope, it was in fact the movie. Not a good way for a film to start. The movie had just started and I was taken out of it story. The film does have some decent acting and directing. But, once again, we have a film with characters that do stupid things and few things piss me off like characters doing stupid things.
An example of stupidity, one of our films protagonists is a mom traveling with her three daughters. They are going to see their military husband and father who’s just coming back from deployment. They stop in some small town for gas. Mom already knows that bad weather is coming. A deputy warns them that maybe they should find a good place to sit out the storm. Mom of course ignores the warning and I am already thinking, she’s an idiot. Ten minutes or so into the film and I already think the sympathetic mom is an idiot.
No one watching the road ahead. What could possible go wrong?
I don’t think that I am being too harsh here. Think about it, when the Emergency Broadcast is telling you that shit is probably going to hit the fan, it’s a good idea to go ahead and listen to it. When law enforcements warns you of impending danger, you should really listen to it. But, this mom just has to make it to the airport to see hubby arrive even though she has got to be aware that hubby’s flight might be late or even cancelled but, nope she’s going to keep going. This not only puts herself at risk but more importantly, her children.
Okay, I accept it, she misses him, figures what they heck it’s only a tornado. She’s an idiot, but as I have said before if people didn’t do stupid things in horror movies, we wouldn’t have horror movies. However, she continues to be stupid again.
Yet another example, while driving she notices the tornado behind her. So instead of going faster while using her side and rearview mirrors she literally continues to drive while looking back over her shoulder. I am not talking about the occasional look back. You know how you turn in your seat when you back out of parking space? She driving like that but going forward. Can’t a see a thing ahead of her. She doesn’t have a single problem driving like that but the moment she looks forward she can’t drive in straight line to save her life. Naturally mom crashes the car into the ditch. It’s just one bad decision after another. Less than 15 minutes into the film now and this mother is a walking disaster of stupidity.
The stupid continues… After the crash they have found a vacant cellar and seek shelter in it. The tornado may have caused a branch to block the cellar entrance. maybe it was something more sinister that used the branch to block their escape. They realize they are in fact trapped and start try to get the owners attention. The owner is home, they know this and panic starts to kick in.
An attempt is made to escape through one of the cellar windows. However, the daughter attempting the escape is halfway out of the window when attacked by something and retreats back into the cellar. Now we all know there’s a monster outside, at the very least a vicious dog outside. The characters know something bad is out there and no thought to maybe closing the open window with something? No thought to looking around the basement for something that could be used as a weapon? Nope. After attending to said daughters wounds, everyone just kinda sits around. The only one doing anything productive is the eldest daughter who keeps trying to send texts to her father in the hopes that he will show up and save them. It’s at this point I started to root for the monsters. The window the daughter tried to escape from, still wide open.
I will say that for a low budget horror movie, the quality is really good. It has a lot going for it. It tries to have some surprises at the end. It’s not too heavy on the CGI and I like that. If you can get past mom being kind of an idiot, it’s not too bad. As mentioned I thought the acting was pretty good. Erin McGrane as the mom, Janet Maguire, was a strong performance. The actresses playing her children were good, I really enjoyed Meg Saricks as Jennifer. She played the oldest daughter and the strongest character I thought. I enjoyed her performance so much I plan to look up other things she’s done and take a look.
Shit is always way more dramatic in bad weather. Meg Saricks As Jennifer Maguire
Nailbiter is Directed by Patrick Rea and is written by Patrick Rea, Kendal Sinn. The writing I think could have used some work. However, if the rumor is true that a sequel is planned, I look forward to seeing it. Unfortunately, I can’t wholeheartedly recommend this film. I would like to have seen more gore, less stupid character judgment and better suspense. Even though I would call this a bad horror movie I am on the bubble here. It’s entertaining, it’s not really, scary, there’s not really a lot of suspense or gore but the desire to know what they hell is going on with the crazy owners is enough to keep you watching.
I would also like to be fair and say that I have read quite a few reviews of this movie and I seem to be in the minority here. Seems that a lot of people liked it much more than I did. I can only go by what I thought while watching it.
As I mentioned I have the movie playing as I write this. I have looked over a few times at the TV and I am still not seeing anything that makes this movie more memorable aside from the acting and production quality. I want to like it more, I really do, I just can’t.
Cast of Characters:
Emily Boresow as Alice Maguire
Meg Saricks as Jennifer Maguire
Erin McGrane as Janet Maguire
Joicie Appell as Mrs. Shurman
Michelle Davidson as Dina
Ian Dempsey as Sean
Ben Jeffrey as Deputy Carr
Aaron Laue as Lt. Maguire
Allen Lowman as Tom
Zane Martin as Little monster
Mark Ridgway as Sheriff
John D. Barnes as Townsperson
Jason Coffman as Creature
Tom Conroy as Bartender
Anita Cordell as Traveler at airport
“A group of students go to a haunted forest called Harrow Woods in New England for a weekend vacation to investigate the disappearance of horror novelist George Carney and his family who have been missing (presumed dead) for two years. Led by lecturer, Karl Mathers, the group embark on their investigation into the forest. They discover that in the 17th century the infamous witch, Lenore Selwyn, was burnt at the stake within Harrow Woods. As she struggled against the flames she cursed the land her ashes fell upon. The group are murdered one by one. The George Carney story appears in flashback as the students, particularly Anna, a psychic, investigate Harrow Woods and the abandoned log cabin where the Carney family was suspected to have been murdered two years previously.” – Wikipedia
So let me tell you about The Legend of Harrow Woods / Evil Calls: The Raven / Alone in the Dark. The movie suffers from an identity crisis. It was called, Alone in the Dark. Then it was changed to Evil Calls: The Raven and then sadly it was released on DVD, with the title The Legend of Harrow Woods. The crisis doesn’t stop there. If it weren’t for the Wikipedia plot outline posted above I wouldn’t have been able to make sense of this film. Wish I had read it first because this movie is confusing, it expects you to make assumptions that films shouldn’t have you make. Remember what they say about assumptions. “They make an ass out of you u and umption”. Everything about this movie is in crisis.
Keeping in mind it took years to make this movie, I am surprised it made any sense at all. As I understand it, production was started in 2002, it was finished and released around 2008 and in 2011 released on to DVD. This movie is so confusing because it doesn’t explain things that need to be explained. You have got to take time in a story for a characters from to time to recite some exposition.
The film gives just enough exposition to know that some people are going out to the woods to the to investigate the disappearance of the Carney family a few years ago. It seems to stop there. Soon we discover that these people doing the investigating are being watched via a live feed by some old creepy dude in a suit. Is he CIA, some kinda weird businessman? It’s later revealed that that these investigators have set up cameras everywhere so their investigation can be streamed through some website. Until then we have no idea the investigators are aware they are being streamed to the net.
There’s a medium who keeps having visions of the missing guy, George Carney played by Richard Driscoll, that make no sense. At first, we don’t know if she’s having a vision or the film is just showing us what went down. While our medium is searching a basement in a cabin in the woods, I think they knew was there, where the family went missing a few years ago. Without any exposition, we are forced to make judgments about what we are seeing and left wondering if we are right. This takes us out of the film. In this case, that’s a good thing. Because, anything taking us out of this film is appreciated.
I have no idea WTF is going on here however my philosophy is simple when it comes to nudity in film. One should never question the boobie. Instead one should simply thank the film gods for their existence.
To be honest, if it wasn’t for this blog I would have stopped watching this movie about a minute in to it. The only notable moments were the voice over from Christopher Walken reading Poe’s The Raven. Why in the hell is voice over is constantly playing throughout the film is never explained, or if it was I must have missed it one of the times I zoned out while day dreaming about a time when this movie would finally end. The other notable moments were the nudity. I did zone right back in for the nudity of course. Being a creepy old guy, that’s usually enough for me to give a movie an A+ but not in this case. Though thankful for it, it wasn’t enough to save this film. And, unfortunately the biggest nude scene in the movie I had to waste being confused as to WTF was going in this fancy club bathroom.
Seriously, they tried to give the visions of this family man gone missing a Shinning feel. They even did the blood rushing down the walls and out of doors multiple times to bring the point home.
It was also hard to tell where in the hell we were. By that I mean, a few of the characters had British accents and the ones that didn’t I am pretty sure where faking their American accents. I was lead to believe that we were in New England somewhere. Maybe they mentioned it and I just zoned out again or maybe I had read it somewhere prior to watching the film. Doesn’t matter, the story was just hard to follow, put together poorly and was simply just hard to watch.
Once again, I hate slamming a horror movie. Specially one like this where it’s obvious that someone cared enough about it to spend over a decade working with it. But, it’s just bad. I am not here to protect filmmakers, I am here to offer my opinion on horror movies.
Low budget horror filmmakers really need to watch Friday the 13th. The original one. It had a simple to follow story. It was scary, it was fun and it made millions. It was low budget, if you read up on the story of how the film came to be you can learn a lot about how to make money from the horror genre. In a nutshell, make something watchable, easy to follow, throw in some scares and put money into real special effects and leave the CGI to shitty big budget movies.
I love night scenes where you can’t see shit. Said no one ever.
I will place a link to buy the DVD of The Legend of Harrow Woods. And, because I am nice guy, here are some reasons why you might enjoy it… You love barely being able to hear Christopher Walken recite Poe’s The Raven, over and over again. You don’t care about a story, gore, logic or scares, you just want to fast-forward though the movie to see some titties. You like scenes that take place in the dark and are filmed in just about total blackness so you can’t see a fucking thing. You want to see poor excuse for a 3D movie. You like being bored.
Cast of Characters:
Jason Donovan … Gary, a website designer who helps plan the trip into Harrow Woods
Rik Mayall … Winston, a menacing spirit of a former hotel manager who tricks writer George Carney into killing his wife
Sir Norman Wisdom – Shot a small scene in 2002, aged at 86, under the title Alone in the Dark. Wisdom had no idea it was gratuitous
Robin Askwith plays George’s brother Vincent who is having an affair with George’s wife (played by model Jules Wheeler).
Richard Waters plays Karl Mathers
Sonya Vine plays Rachel
Kathryn Rooney … Anna – Filmed In 2002
Charlie Allan … Lewis
Ben Tolkien … James
Paul Battin … Steve
Jules Wheeler … Vivienne Carney
Eileen Daly … Victoria
Vass Anderson … Professor Jackson
Keren Hatcher … Lisa Carney
Jamie Roberts … Steve Carney
Jim Johnson … Vincent Price’s voice
Rebekka Raynor … Demon’s mother
Marianne Faithfull … Narrator – Faithfull lent her voice to the film although it was recorded several years earlier, when the project was still titled Alone in the Dark (I have no recollection of a narrator in this movie.)
Bigfoot The Lost Coast Tapes…
“Sean Reynolds, a highly acclaimed investigative journalist (who strongly believed in paranormal phenomena), destroyed his career when the most watched episode of his reality show, based on paranormal phenomena, turned out to be a hoax. Sean saw a news report on a “Bigfoot Hunter” (Carl Drybeck) who claimed to possess the body of a dead Sasquatch. He believes Drybeck is a phony and decides to create a new show that reveals people’s paranormal claims as hoaxes. Sean assembles his old film crew and heads to Northern California’s “Lost Coast” to meet with and interview Drybeck. Obsessed, Sean is staking his comeback, his life and the lives of his documentary film crew on proving Drybeck’s claim to be a hoax.”
– Written by Chevez Frazier
My review here is pretty simple. It’s stupid. For the sake of just venting I will try to explain why to call this movie shit, is an insult to shit everywhere.
It’s a found footage movie that shows now nothing. The filming eventually just becomes nauseating when everyone is just running with cameras in scene after seen. There’s some shots of the Bigfoot darting across the frame in a several shots that were not interesting, scary or all that suspenseful. And, for all the flashlights and camera lights it’s always conveniently dark in every seen that something is about to happen in. As for the acting, it wasn’t too bad. But, the characters didn’t make sense. Some characters are in complete denial as to what’s happening around them. Others say one thing and then do another. It’s just hard to follow the logic.
Hunting Bigfoot. Stands in a field at night, alone, surrounded by candles meditating with nature spirits. This is what smart people call, “Natural Selection”.
Our main character Sean Reynolds played by Drew Rausch I guess made a deal with some guy who claims to have either killed or found a body of a Bigfoot. Somehow Sean is the only one willing to pay this mountain man dude “Carl Drybeck” (played by Frank Ashmore) the cash to see the body. But, they don’t go see the body. For some reason they arrive, are somewhat forced to give up their cell phones and wear hoods on their heads on the drive into the woods. I can almost accept the absurdity of that. But upon arrival they have little cabins, to stay in, there’s still no Bigfoot body. They have dinner, and are told they will see the body tomorrow. It’s just ridiculous. They for some reason had made plans to spend 7 days with this creepy mountain dude? It made no sense at all. You drive there, you document the body and pay the guy. You leave. End of story. But, noooo. For some reason they are planning to draw it out like The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vaults.
I don’t know if this is supposed to be a ghost story or a Bigfoot story. It’s really neither. There’s some spirits, that seem to be bad, the Bigfoots, Bigfeet, (I don’t know what they correct nerdism is here) seem to be good but we’re never really sure. Everyone in this film starts off almost tolerable but the more the film goes on the more idiotic some of the characters get. Watching those idiots on Finding Bigfoot, not find a fucking Bigfoot every week is more interesting than this movie.
Best friend just blew his own face off. Picks up the camera to show how sad he is.
Had I read the synopsis above by Chevez Frazier it might have helped me to understand the motivation of the main character. I wondered how he gained all that info about the main characters background that I obviously had missed. Maybe the chewing of my popcorn was too loud and I missed the key character notes? But, I had a suspicion he just wasn’t someone on IMdB that liked the movie and decided to write a synopsis. I scrolled down the list of producers for the film and he’s one of them. That’s why his clarity of characters is strong.
As for the poor bastards having to watch this. The character lists is pretty simplistic. You have the ego maniac director/host that is funding the project and is part skeptic and part douchebag. There’s his friend / video guy who is pretty much all douchebag. There’s the ex-girlfriend of the director/host. She’s the attractive girl who is very spiritual and into possibilities of things. Then there’s the stereo-typical nerd who is so stupid he can’t even hold a boom mic without bonking people on the head and standing in the frame. The only really interesting character was the one black guy “Curtis” played by Japheth Gordon who was smart enough to back out of wanting to spend 7 days in the woods with a bunch of white people. He knew all too well, the black guy always dies. Sadly he’s only in the movie for just long enough to suggest that the nerd takes his place as the sound guy.
That girl there in the back on the phone, never says anything. She never looks up and is only camera for about a minute. She’s the second most interesting character in the entire film.
This movie tried hard to be something different. I hate to shit on it because there was obviously some talented people working on this and sadly it just came off as muddled with bad character development. I don’t know if it was the writing or the directing that made this a bad horror movie. What I do know is that this could have been a really interesting movie if they lost the found footage idea and just spent more time telling the story properly.
Cast of Characters:
Drew Rausch … Sean Reynolds
Rich McDonald … Darryl Coleman
Ashley Wood … Robyn Conway
Noah Weisberg … Kevin Lancaster
Frank Ashmore … Carl Drybeck
Rowdy Kelley … LaRoche
Japheth Gordon … Curtis
Sweetie Sherrié … Latonya
Uninhabited is a 2010 Australian horror film directed by Bill Bennett. The film premiered at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival and in Australia during the 2010 Melbourne International Film Festival. It tells the story of a young couple vacationing at a deserted island, later discovering it has a disturbing history.
Spoiler Alert: If this was based on a true story the main characters deserved what they got. You shouldn’t be allowed to be this stupid and live. I know that’s harsh. But, too many smart people everyday thanks to stupid people. I have little tolerance for them. I also don’t get how this is based on true story if everyone dies at the end? How does anyone know what in the hell happened to make a story about it? If I cared enough about the movie, I’d look it up and found out. But, it’s just not worth it.
I’m hot and smart but have low self esteem so I only date good looking guys with no brains.
I wanted to like this movie, I really don’t start watching movies hoping they suck. From the moment I first saw Geraldine Hakewill as Beth, I was enchanted. I just thought she was so beautiful. At first I believed her character, she seemed to be really smart and I felt bad that she was dating such an idiot. I don’t know if it was the filmmakers intent to make her significant other such a douche? I am not saying he was a complete douche but he was definitely “douchey” and a complete idiot. Beth started out smart but then this so called biologist by the end of the movie completely ignores everything science has ever taught her.
The story is basically about a young couple on vacation. They’ve been dropped off on a beautiful tiny tropical looking island off the coast of Australia. They should have the island to themselves but soon discover they are not alone.
Right away after realizing that they are not alone, Beth has enough common sense to want to get off the island. However, her dumbass boyfriend Harry played by Henry James convinces her to stay. At first they think it’s kids messing with them. Little kids, based on the tiny footprints they found. However, they soon discover two grown men on the island, obviously bad guys and up to know good. Our douchey boyfriend decides to confront the bad guys. Even though they already know that the bad guys have guns. Even though as they approach they can plainly see at least one automatic rifle that looks a lot like an AK-47. Still, douchebag boyfriend is screaming at them, threatening them, why the bad guys didn’t shoot him in the damn head right then and there and then have their way with poor Beth is beyond me.
Not learning his lesson, douchebag decides to send Beth out to their boat and look for their missing sat phone while he thinks it will be a good idea to go through the bad guys stuff. It’s insanely stupid and at this point, they both deserve to die for being so stupid. Of course the bad guys don’t kill them but that’s only because they sadly don’t get the chance to end this film on a high note.
This should have been a kinky sex scene with her boyfriend but he just had to send her out on the boat. What a dumbass.
They have now become convinced it’s these two bad guys that have been messing with all this time. They are ignoring all the evidence that suggested it wasn’t them. Like the tiny footprint trail, like the creepy as kid sounds they keep hearing. It’s just one stupid event after another.
Uninhabited starts slow and never really picks up. It teases us with sexuality that never pays off, and by the time it actually turns into a ghost story, the outcome is pretty obvious and all sense of suspense or even caring for these two characters is long since lost.
This is a bad horror movie no matter how you look at it. I have found mixed reviews for this film. I can only assume the good reviews are those that are so infatuated with Geraldine Hakewill that they’ve lost all sense reality when it comes to the worthiness of this film to be watched.
Cast of Characters:
Geraldine Hakewill as Beth
Henry James as Harry
Tasia Zalar as Coral
Bob Baines as Jackson
Billy Milionis as Spiro
Terry Siourounis as Elias