The Witch 2015 Quick Review

The Witch is about an New-England family that chooses to be become outcasts from their community and move out into the forest where they soon have to fight the forces of evil, black magic and possession.

Director: Robert Eggers
Writer: Robert Eggers
Stars: Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson, Kate Dickie

I waited for months and months to see The Witch. I hadn’t heard a bad word about it. Of course I didn’t look at any actual reviews. If I really want to see something I don’t really care what the reviews say so I don’t seek them out. The time finally came for me to see it. I made sure I could watch it at night, alone, lights out. No interruptions except that of my popcorn and very full 52-ounce mug of ice water. I was ready to be scared. Scared like seeing the exorcist as child for the first time, scared. What I got instead was a level of disappointment I have not yet recovered from.

It’s been a month or two since I first saw The Witch. I wanted to give it time before I reviewed it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t overreact to it in my review and that I was able to treat it fairly. I am still not sure if I can do that. But, I will give it a try. There are many great things about the movie. The acting is superb. The location is creepy and cold. The costumes are so real looking. Everything about this movie feels authentic. It’s exactly what I pictured that time in American history to be like. They couldn’t have done a better job of capturing that existence in my opinion.

Here’s where it all goes to shit. First, it’s boring. Not just slow boring. It’s tedious boring. It’s dear God that I don’t believe in, please bring this suffering of mine to end, boring. The accent of the father is so fucking thick I couldn’t understand half of what he’s saying. It sounded like mumbles that soon just became laughable to me. Their religious fervor was driving me insane. I mean, these religious nutjobs were more than just that, they were literally cowards, afraid of their own shadows. Their blatant ignorance and obedience to a god that so obviously doesn’t give two shits about them was pathetic.

The father, was so afraid of his own shadow. I just couldn’t respect him after a while. I tried to, he was so supportive of his daughter at first that I was at least able to respect him for that until he let his faith in his imaginary friend over take his common sense. The mother was fucking bonkers as well. The two smaller kids were seriously creepy and I don’t think they were supposed to be. The only things not completely fucking annoying in The Witch were the two oldest kids and the fucking goat!

My daughter-in-law loved this movie. I just don’t get it. There was nothing scary about this it. It’s called The Witch and we see the witch once or twice. This isn’t a movie about a witch. It’s about a bat shit crazy religious family that is afraid of their own shadows. Fearful that every little thing they do is going to cause Jesus to punish them. The total time of the witch on film, I think is about 3 minutes. I am not joking. The only thing remotely creepy about this movie besides the setting and the two youngest children is the talking goat. And, we’re not even treated to that little tidbit until the end. And even then, we don’t really get see it. For all we know it’s just that character finally regressing into the insanity like everyone else.

I could spend all day shitting on this movie. It’s not scary, it’s barely interesting, and it’s so boring. If you haven’t see it and want to, I’ve got a link below to go get it. Please, let me know if you disagree with me and why. Let me know what about this movie scared you or entertained you. I love a good story, I love suspense and great acting but I felt no suspense, the acting was great but it was built around story that played out in the most boring ways possible, in my opinion. Let me know what about The Witch that made you think it, “Oh ya, now this is how horror movies should be.”